A Single Life of Glory

worth a thousand words...

2012-02-03T21:48:00.000-06:00

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

- Lamentations 3:22-24

-Painting by Amy Sol

a phantom enemy

2012-02-03T21:35:00.000-06:00

I can speak all the Truth to myself that I want. Feelings are not quick to listen. I feel much like the heroine of PS I Love You, waiting for my "life to begin." - Fatigue, you know, can be such a dreadful companion. To be so unnaturally tired when there is a whole world of adventure! But that is not the most difficult part of my mysterious disease. I am far too determined to let that get me down. What discourages me most is the lack of hope my situation brings at present. I do not know what this enemy is that I might fight it. And it prevents me from getting a job even more so than the current state of our national economy. It limits my independence in the most unpleasant ways...this unknown phantom plaguing my physical body.

My name is Kelly Ann Miller. I am an aspiring musician and I find that I am being targeted by a strange illness that causes extreme fatigue and, at times, an inability to walk on my own...in the worst of cases, sudden onsets of complete paralysis. My ambitious character pushes me to make a career in music (the one thing I am still able to do and only way I am currently able to pay my bills). But my heart longs to know the name of this infirmity so I will fear it no more.

Daily, now, I ask God for this answer as my hope wanes and I hold fast to my God of peace.

New Things!

2012-01-29T02:06:00.001-06:00

I can't seem to sit still for all the visionary excitement! I am still waiting on the final word, but it looks like I will be releasing an EP this May/June on iTunes. If you are unaware of this term: EP stands for "extended play" and usually consists only of four or five songs. A friend has offered to record it in Memphis for me. I just have to find a way to get to Memphis....and I'm working on a few ideas (including a tour from California to North Carolina). So if you or someone you know would like to book me in April somewhere along the way, email me (kellyena22@gmail.com).

Now, some are concerned about my health problems (and it's definitely a concern). I do not yet have any insurance to pursue a diagnosis (hopefully by the end of February I will). However, a very wise woman reminded me recently that I cannot stop living my life. So, I am determined to take her advice and keep on this pursuit of creative works. God closed every other door and has provided nothing but encouragement for me to pursue a career in music, at least for now. Getting a diagnosis is that one impossible thing I have asked God for in 2012, but it's not the only thing for me to do this year. After six years of affliction, I have learned how to live with my disabilities. And they do not afflict me 24/7, so, by God's power, I am moving forward. I am also making plans for a full length album in 2013! Keep it in your prayers!

"In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. And now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name."
1 Chronicles 29:12b-13

Here is a sample of the EP album artwork to give you a glimpse of the vision!!

What's my Name?

2012-01-17T20:14:00.004-06:00

Ezekiel 36:22-38

"For the sake of my holy name...It's not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you."

It is sometimes hard to wrap ones mind around the fact that humanity is so messed up and "unclean." As if we really know what it is to be good when we did not invent that word. That word was God's word at creation. And it can be even harder to understand God's love in statements such as these where God states he only treats us nicely for himself. Especially, when one has not felt very blessed by God; when hardships are severe on this earth. But then, this is only part of the story and truth cannot be found in any view of partiality toward the Bible (when one only looks partially). So, as I have been wrestling this week, I have been meditating on these words.

World history is in favor of proving that humanity is messed up. And with so many people on the planet right now, added to all those that have lived, it cannot be anything but a relief that the world does not actually revolve around humanity. But, why does God revolve it around His name? If I had gone past my bachelor's degree and gotten my master's in seminary, this would have been the subject for my thesis.

Kelly Ann means Gracious Warrior (and I do not think that is an accident) but that means nothing to you if you do not know me or my story, my thoughts or actions. God refers to himself with many names, but again, they mean nothing if you do not know Him or what He has done or thought. The importance of a name is the identity, the person, it represents. That said, when God states that He will be our God and we shall be His people (an I am yours, you are mine statement), I find myself in awe because He makes you and I known by His name. For His own sake, in loving us, He does not want us known by the mistakes we constantly make. He wants us known by His good reputation because He has claimed us as His own.

So when he says "I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you," I hear hope. Life is more than making mistakes and enduring life's turmoil. It's "who I am because of who God is." He transforms people into His likeness according to His identity and He does bless them. In this story, the blessing God promises first is abundant land. He promises to give them everything they need to be able to eat and build roofs over their heads. Food and shelter. Why is it that western culture today seems to expect so much more than food and shelter? In Ezekiel's time, these two things were the success of a man, along with a family (which God here adds on as an "extra mile" item) and a man had to work for them! It was not about how much money one had or even whether one was a "good person" or not. Life was not about the individual, but the collective people group.

Who am I, then, to say that God has not blessed me? I may have lost everything and find myself moving from shelter to shelter, but I have not gone hungry for too long or worried about where I would sleep. My body may be failing me and I may despair sometimes, but I am known by God's name. When people talk about me, they don't discuss the bad days I've had or mistakes I've made. They discuss all the things that God gave me in my new heart and new spirit. The decisions I have made to get back up and keep living by His Spirit. Do you know what that means? It means, at the end of the day, my mistakes end up being a small matter. They matter, in that they are not okay with God, but they do not change my identity. My identity changes my actions.

...Beginning to see things in true perspective.

Book Nerd Confessions

2012-01-12T23:28:00.000-06:00

I love books. I love the way old books smell, I love the way new books smell. I love the way they feel in my hands as I read them. To break in a new paperback with its crisp pages and make it look well loved. The gentle care an old, dusty hardback needs with every turn of the page (I find that musty smell especially inviting!). When I walk into a used bookstore, it takes my breath away faster than the view from a mountaintop (and that, to me, is a pretty big deal too). The smell of old and new books all in one place, with shelves and shelves of them everywhere! I walk immediately toward classic literature and search the store for old children's classics like "A Girl of the Limberlost" (a personal favorite), then into philosophy and possibly sneaking a peek at some bible commentaries to see if I find any treasures. When I actually have money, it is the fastest way to put myself in a right mind and a good mood. I dream of having, or adding, a loft in the house I will someday have with a few cozy reading spots and many shelves filled with books! I found this picture (left) especially inspiring today.

So now you shouldn't find it too strange that I am totally excited over a new bible a friend got me this past week. I had been talking about replacing my beat up, falling apart, red, ESV for some time. Starting this new season totally fresh, without any reminders staring me in the face of the grief of this past season. You see, I mark up my books (when they aren't fiction). Therefore, my bible becomes a nice little map of where I've been with God and what I have leaned on the most. My poor little red bible displays those times perfectly with the cover my dog chewed up when I first adopted him and the binding that is ready to fall apart at any moment. So when we saw this "Green, Antique Floral Design" ESV in the store (right), my friend rightly said, "it's the one." We both knew, like you know about a good mellon. It's the perfect addition to my new year! It is hardcover, with an antique binding design that matches my lifelong fetish for old books. Now I can begin a new map in this new journey. Life. is. Good.

The Importance of Adorning

2012-01-10T01:28:00.000-06:00

Shopping for new clothes today with my fashion consultant (my trusted and most beloved advisor Junia) I thought of this card. It was given to me by one of my all time favorite roommates, Rikki, quite a few years ago in honor of my...interesting fashion choices. She knows me well! So when it came to the point of having too many clothes with holes in them and since my mother decided to give me a small shopping spree for Christmas, I was blessed to have a beautifully successful shopping day with a very special friend. But I found that I had lost this philosophy. Well, no more! I heard it emphasized recently that 1 Timothy 2:9 does in fact say, "women should adorn themselves..." This word, kosmeo (where we get the word for cosmetics) does in fact mean to "ornament." In an English dictionary, it is "to make more beautiful or attractive."

My profession is to perform, but my goal is to only play the part of myself. That is the importance of adorning. Once upon a time, I had short neon orange hair. I used to dress to express the way I felt on any given day, even if that meant hippie one day and fashionable city slicker the next. A time, not so long ago, when I cared to know myself, every morning, and adorn myself accordingly! Therefore, I have resolved, this year, to be and to know myself again. I'm starting over. Embarking on a different journey with the same values that I have held so dear. Thank you, my friends, for knowing me, even though I often forget!

This week's creative inspiration...

2012-01-05T01:17:00.002-06:00

ELIZAVETA

*Also check out "Dreamer"*

~
AMY SOL

even...

MY OWN ART:

"Dancing Vision," the Inspiration for a new song I've been wrestling with; "Beginning."

Cheers to a New Year

2012-01-01T03:05:00.000-06:00

I have declared 2012 to be a year of Beginning for myself. Ken Steorts and other Visible Music College staff got me started on this tradition when I was in college. Now, even if I don't declare one, I notice a theme for every year. This year I begin to hope.

Hope is defined as "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen." 2011, unfortunately, burnt me out on hoping for things from God. The trouble was, I was hoping for the wrong things. On P.S. I love you, when Hilary Swank's character is asked what women want, she confesses the secret that we don't know what we want and it's so true. My conscious desires are constantly changing with each season and the change it brings. Who am I to know what will make me truly happy when everything changes so often? Example: I wanted to buy a house at the beginning of last year because my niece was with me and I was convinced that some physical stability would give her a hint of the stability she was longing to feel. I wanted to build a home for us. But I was meant only to be her foster parent for a year and everything shifted once again when she left. It's a good thing I didn't buy the house.
Sometimes I just throw up my hands and give God a big sigh because I just don't know anything. It's a good thing I know He does. I spent the whole summer (and probably the rest of the year) healing from the end of that season of my life and the heartbreak I experienced losing one thing after another. I never would have made it without help. First, there was Wendy, who took me in and purposefully surrounded me with every opportunity for healing. She is now one of my dearest friends. There was also the Graeagle Church community, and the people there who held me up in prayer and lifted my spirits with warm hugs. As well as other friends across the country who prayed for me and encouraged me. And, I cannot forget the comfort that only a dog can bring...

So now, it's 2012 and I can finally embrace a feeling of expectation and desire for a new beginning to happen. God makes all things new, and I need new. "Pursue [agape] love," and "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." I never make New Year's Resolutions, but this is, I suppose, what I ought to do this year. A wise woman told me recently in a separate context, "do differently." So I resolve, this year, to hope for a specific beginning that only God knows I need. One step at a time...

Two "Questions for the New Year" stuck out to me from a church handout today that I am pondering:
1. What's the one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?
2. What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?

Click to Listen!

My personal and professional tribute to 2011.....

Digging Up the Past

2011-12-28T03:03:00.001-06:00

My heart pounded in my chest as my teacher handed me my graded assignment with a pointed look and a little speech about plagiarism. When he asked me to stay after class, I thought I was in trouble, but had no idea why. The first words out of his mouth were, "When I first read this, I thought for sure you had plagiarized it." I was in shock, knowing full well that I had written it myself while laying under the tree in my backyard. After a dramatic pause of him looking intently at my surprised expressions, he explained, "but after I read it again, I realized that if you did exactly what I instructed you to do, you could have written this." Relief washed over me as I assured him that I did, in fact, write it. This was my rough draft. One mistake. But with a twinkle in his eye he told me I didn't have to do a final draft (which meant no homework that night!). This conversation would forever inspire me to continue writing.

Christmas Newsletter 2011.

2011-12-09T21:03:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone!

Check out my music at www.kellyannmusic.com and 'Like' my Facebook page!

2012 : The Year of Beginning

Life with Henry and More.

2011-12-02T10:06:00.001-06:00

I left Henry at home this trip after realizing the extremely BAD habits he is picking up with this state of limbo we find ourselves in. I need to think and I didn't want him sitting for hours in the car while I played in Colfax either.

Some of you may know that I am thinking of training Henry to be my service dog due to my mystery progressing health issues. But with the current state of his behavior, he is nowhere NEAR being ready for such a job. I'm going to need some help with this I think...and I'm going to have to take him everywhere and get him used to new, exciting and strange circumstances so he will stop freaking out about everything.

For now, I think I may be headed back into a remission (i.e. I seem to be getting my energy back little by little...less random paralysis and tremors and all). So hopefully, I can dive into this next season with zeal for all the projects I have assigned to myself to keep me going. Including my music career.

I should have the pictures from the photo shoot in a few weeks (just before Christmas) and then come the first of the year I can start making flyers for things and take some of my marketing to a new level and book more shows. At least, that is the plan. And hopefully Henry will be able to go on the road with me and behave politely and sit at my feet during shows....hopefully.

Take a peak at the lyrics to my new song "Whimsy" on the Lyrics page of my website:

www.kellyannmusic.com

December, already?!

2011-12-01T18:59:00.000-06:00

Christmas is just around the corner and this is a busy month for me musically and personally (and getting busier all the time). Not only do I have several gigs lined up, but I'm moving. First I moved to my parents in Woodland (which I am still moving things from the mountains to there every weekend). But then, on December 16, we are moving to Fairfield. Back to my hometown. Coming full circle I guess. I'm not really strong enough to be much help in the moving process, which makes me feel bad, but I'm driving around playing at different restaurants and wineries anyway. Hopefully, I will make some kind of profit this week to pay my bills. I've been cutting it very close lately. Afraid, I won't be buying any Christmas presents for anyone this year...

But life goes on. And doctors appointments will begin with the New year. A new year....wow.

Thanksgiving!

2011-11-25T17:10:00.001-06:00

In this photo: My mom is shredding up the turkey, my dad is talking on the phone to his brother while picking picking bits of turkey to eat, and my dog, Henry is waiting for something to drop on the ground. Priceless.

The funny thing is that we didn't even eat that turkey on Thanksgiving. Instead, we kept with the Miller norm and went to a casino on a reservation in the middle of I don't know where in California and ate at a buffet. This time, however, I had to show my ID about 5 times and I didn't even gamble! Oh well.

The moving continues. I am back in Graeagle for a couple of days (photo shoot tomorrow!) and my parents and I make the final move to Fairfield on December 16th.

My thanks giving:
I am thankful to be back in the mountains one last time this weekend and thankful for my dog who brightens up even my most depressing, bedridden days. I am thankful for the gigs I have lined up in December...I have bills I need to pay. I am thankful to my parents for letting me live with them free of charge. And I am especially thankful for my friends, I would not survive without them.

CaNe MatTeRs

2011-11-14T18:45:00.001-06:00

Learn proper cane walking posture.

Yes. I said it. A cane. Me. At the ripe old age of 25. It's not that I need it all the time, but my ankles like to drag under me too often and sometimes I just get off balance (from my undiagnosed "progressive disease"). So I need to make sure I have it handy (if not in my hand) at all walking times. First, though, I have to get over the embarrassment of needing one (it's my pride, you see), and learn to walk with my cane without putting my spine out of alignment. This will be a question for my chiropractor on Wednesday. But you have to admit, my cane is pretty awesome! Special thanks to my friend who custom made it for me based on a design I sketched! It looks almost exactly like my sketch. Crazy.

Joyfully Yours,

Kelly Ann

The Truth about Me

2011-11-12T11:55:00.001-06:00

Okay. The truth is that I have been spending a LOT of time in bed the last couple of months. The two pictures above depict what a typical day looks like for us (though my plaid pajamas are new, in honor of Christmas being ever so near). Sadly, whatever "progressive disease" the doctors said, a couple years ago, that I probably have is getting worse and walking is not so easy for me anymore. If you saw me walking around town, chances are you wouldn't be able to tell. But walking exhausts me and I never can tell when a sudden onset of paralysis and/or muscle spasms will come. So, my bed has become where I spend most of my time and my poor dog is stuck there with me. He's such a trooper.

So I'm moving back in with my parents on November 20, 2011. Hopefully I can find a way to get the next process of testing with Medi-Cal as my insurance and a diagnosis. But I cannot work to support myself for the time being and have to admit that I cannot fully take care of myself right now. (Hardest truth I have ever had to come to terms with by the way!) So I have to leave these glorious mountains that I love so much in hopes that I can come back next summer (even if it's just part time).

The plus side, however, is that I will have access to more venues to play music at, ALL winter long! ...So I can make some money to pay for my doctor visits, etc. Thankfully, I have not lost my ability to sing and play my guitar (and I can still drive for the most part). I just sit down during every performance and make sure I take naps on the days I play to store up energy. So life goes on.

CGC Test: He Passed

2011-11-03T15:12:00.002-05:00

It was a close call. He failed interacting with other dogs and we had to do it again an hour later, but he made it through the last time, barely. So officially, Henry is a Canine Good Citizen and I mailed the paperwork after the test. However, my job is NOT done. I still have to work on getting him used to ignoring people and dogs while we walk. He has come a very long way in a short amount of time, but the training does not stop here. Training never really stops I guess.

I am proud of my little puppy.

CGC Lesson #5

2011-10-27T22:46:00.004-05:00

Today was the last class before the test and it's a good thing I opted for having it next Thursday and not next Tuesday. Henry has some separation anxiety issues. You see, in the test I am supposed to pass him (on leash) to someone else and leave for 3 minutes. We tried it today. He whined. = Bad.

In the next week, I'm going to have to get some help getting him comfortable with the fact that I am coming back and he cannot whine. We've got our work cut out for us in this last stretch. And I'll be gone Saturday and Sunday for a few gigs...that's two days I can't work with him. Oh dear...

CGC Lesson #4

2011-10-25T22:59:00.000-05:00

Learning to love the crate.....Obviously Henry is not so thrilled about being crate trained, but I was proud of him today spending a good 20 minutes in his crate without whining. We're moving right along. He even laid down at my feet in the pet store today and impressed everyone by ignoring the dogs that passed us. Maybe there is hope for him yet! Our trainer, Terry, is not at all worried about Henry passing his test on November 3rd. My job this week: give him more experience around people and animals.

Lesson #3: Learning to Calm Down

2011-10-20T01:12:00.000-05:00

Henry got a perfect score today at his training class with Terry. Well, if he were in an obedience competition, it would have been a perfect score (and I didn't do half bad myself). Within minutes he learned how to "come" when called and sit perfectly in front of me. (I'm telling you, my dog must have a seriously high doggy IQ) He is even healing now, off leash...most of the time. If only he would learn to stay calm and not get distracted. Tests 5, 8, and 9 are the ones that make me nervous. Staying calm and listening attentively to me through a crowd, when another dog comes along, and with any loud noises or other distractions. This is what we will tackle next week. That, and being calm while grooming.

Calm...that's the key word for my adorable, hyperactive pup. If we can reach this goal, he just might make a good service dog after all.

CGC Test: Can we master it by November 3?

2011-10-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

AKC CANINE GOOD CITIZEN TEST

The CGC TEST consists of 10 skills needed by all well-mannered dogs. All of the exercises are done on a leash.

Test 1: Accepting a friendly stranger: The dog will allow a friendly stranger to approach it and speak to the handler in a natural, everyday situation.

Test 2: Sitting politely for petting: The dog will allow a friendly stranger to pet it while it is out with its handler.

Test 3: Appearance and grooming: The dog will welcome being groomed and examined and will permit someone, such as a veterinarian, groomer or friend of the owner, to do so.

Test 4: Out for a walk (walking on a loose lead): The handler/dog team will take a short “walk” to show that the dog is in control while walking on a leash.

Test 5: Walking through a crowd: The dog and handler walk around and pass close to several people (at least three) to demonstrate that the dog can move about politely in pedestrian traffic and is under control in public places.

Test 6: Sit and down on command and Staying in place: The dog will respond to the handler’s commands to 1) sit, 2) down and will 3) remain in the place commanded by the handler (sit or down position, whichever the handler prefers).

Test 7: Coming when called: The dog will come when called by the handler. The handler will walk 10 feet from the dog, turn to face the dog, and call the dog.

Test 8: Reaction to another dog: To demonstrate that the dog can behave politely around other dogs, two handlers and their dogs approach each other from a distance of about 20 feet, stop, shake hands and exchange pleasantries, and continue on for about 10 feet.

Test 9: Reaction to distraction: To demonstrate the dog is confident when faced with common distracting situations, the evaluator will select and present two distractions. Examples of distractions include dropping a chair, rolling a crate dolly past the dog, having a jogger run in front of the dog, or dropping a crutch or cane.

Test 10: Supervised separation: This test demonstrates that a dog can be left with a trusted person, if necessary, and will maintain training and good manners. Evaluators are encouraged to say something like, “Would you like me to watch your dog?” and then take hold of the dog’s leash. The owner will go out of sight for three minutes.

CGC Lesson #2: Leader of the Pack

2011-10-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

Dog's need a leader. They want a leader. My dog, Henry, is no exception. And I have a tendency, as pointed out to me today, to use submissive body language. This is not conducive to being the leader of the pack. Once again, Dog Training 101: Train the dog owner.

I have to stand tall, not bend toward him. Watch him from the corner of my eye to keep that communication open without slouching back to see him. The goal is to keep his attention on me and what I am doing. To give clear commands and LOTS of animated praise for right behavior. More important for a dog than knowing when they do something wrong, is knowing when they get it right. Like most zoo's across the country, animal training is most effective with positive reinforcement. Dog's, especially, yearn to please. And, according to my trainer, while dog's often get very excited and animated over things, they are happier when they are calm. So it is vital for the emotional and physical health of my dog (and everyone else's comfort) to learn to be calm in every situation.

So this week's homework:

1. Crate Training

2. Commands: heal, sit, stay, wait and get.

3. To learn that distraction is not allowed.

Note to Self: BE MORE CONSISTENT.

Canine Good Citizen: Lesson 1

2011-10-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

Henry started his CGC class with Snowy Pine Dog Training today and quickly showed his charm and intelligence to our trainer, Terry. So it is no surprise that the lesson of the day is:

I have more to learn than my dog does.

It's more about me learning how to train him, than Henry learning how to heal, sit, stay, wait, etc. Learning to read him better to alert him when he is doing something wrong, and praise him when he gets it right. I was not expecting this to be so difficult. Now we are both worn out.

In the beginning of my music career...

2011-09-30T01:56:00.000-05:00

It seems surreal. Beautifully out of my control and running smoothly. My first album has been released and I'm making connections at a rapid speed to play in different cities in Northern California. The website blog is up here, to buy the album digitally and to stay in touch with where my career takes me.
And...I think I've begun to dream again.

Recent Adventures and Another Year

2011-09-19T13:33:00.002-05:00

September 18th marked my 25th birthday and the release of my first album, Inevitable Triumph. I remember when I was a kid, birthdays were so magical. Now, it's just another day, starting another year of my life. This year, marked by the beginning of my music career and the blessing of my friend, Lizzie Parker's amazing cooking and everyone at Indian Peak Vineyards and all of their support and encouragement.

It was also marked by the death of 3 people in my sphere of acquaintances, my roommates dog being injured and a bit of a family crisis in my sister's life. Oh, and the one year anniversary of the death of one of my best friends is coming up in less than a month. Happy Birthday to me.

Now, to back up to the last few weeks: I recently had quite an adventure after a music festival I attended that led to my being stranded in Los Molinos, CA for a week and quitting my job. First of all, the Strawberry Music Festival was a blast and all the people I camped with are wonderful people who have blessed me abundantly with their friendship. But I got sick and couldn't drive myself home from the festival.

You see, I have had an unknown, "progressive" disease for the past 6 years that is or is similar to a type of MS that only seems to affect me sometimes at varying degrees. It is not life threatening, but it is life challenging. So, that Monday morning as I was supposed to make the 6 or 7 hour drive home alone, I had a pretty severe episode (we shall call it), making me incapable of walking for quite some time and scaring everyone around me, as usual, while my muscles did whatever they felt like doing without my permission. I have not made this information known to people in the past, because, well frankly I would rather ignore it. But when it happens, I can't.

So my friends Colin and Becky invited me to their house in Los Molinos to recover, and my new friend Jenny drove me in my car to their house (where it then pretty much broke down). I had an amazing time being reminded of what a blessing people can be and making some major life decisions in the process. Namely, quitting my overly stressful job and deciding to pursue some level of a music career (I'm still uncertain how far I want to take it, for you know I am rather an ambitious sort of person).

So, I have an album for sale and am going this week to set up some gigs in the Auburn area and trying to focus on things to be joyful about after a birthday with such sorrows.

a heartbreaking goodbye.

2011-04-20T18:59:00.001-05:00

I know my God is with me and I made the right decision, but Friday I had to make the hardest decision of my life and say goodbye to Emily. It was the worst moment of my life, thus far. My niece, now 14, has been living with me for an entire year and if I didn't love her enough before, I love her even more now. But I had to learn that love has to be tough sometimes. I had to learn that there are some things that just cannot be allowed and to truly love someone you have to do whatever you can to prevent them from doing them. In this case, separating Emily from my authority was the only way to prevent her from acting with physical violence toward me. The only way to preserve any kind of a relationship with her. I can only pray that she learns further in the next season of her life, and as we talk and share, that physical violence and verbal abuse are terrible habits that she does, in fact, have, and that she does not have to keep.
My biggest prayer for her, as I enter a new season of my own, is that she learn the Freedom of Christ. Freedom from sin and Freedom to have self-control. And if you feel led, I ask that anyone reading this would pray for this with me, that Emily may grow into a mature and godly woman of God, protected by a blanket of prayer from those who love her.

Guitar Envy

2011-04-13T14:36:00.003-05:00

So before moving back to California I had to get rid of my guitar (it didn't fit in the car). And I went a few months without one until the woman who taught me to play guitar felt led by the Lord to let me borrow hers. Soon afterward, her son, one of my dearest friends, passed away and I was able to write a song for the memorial service using her guitar. Very special. But I have also been trying to get a guitar of my own, so she can have her Taylor back.
Now, I think I have found it.
In researching acoustic/electric guitars in a parlor size (for my petite fingers and small physique) I came across a brand called Luna Guitars. They are all gorgeous, artsy, lightweight, wonderful guitars. But I think that this Muse Parlor Guitar suits me best
...unless I want the purple passionflower parlor guitar shown on the left. But I don't think that suits my personality as well. It is pretty though!

For more Luna info check out the Luna Guitars Website
They even make mandolins, banjos & ukuleles!

Buying my 1st House Pt. 1: PAPER that Killed the DEAL (didn't buy the house in the end)

2011-04-05T21:22:00.002-05:00

I have one of those headaches that won't go away. I think it's even invading my dreams. I keep getting large stacks of papers to sign with great words of encouragement telling me I have more coming! Ugh.
It's worth it, I know. I'll have a house when this stack of papers have been read and signed. But I'd almost rather have them all at once. You know spend a few hours just reviewing and signing. Then it would all be done and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Of course, it doesn't work that way because they have different stages. Now I have to sign disclosures. Then we'll have appraisals and inspections and more papers and then finally escrow will close and we can start the renovations to make it livable. Then I'll be able to move in.

If you see an unusually gigantic pile of papers somewhere, you might want to make sure I'm not under it. Just in case. I have already gotten 3 paper cuts. No joke.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...."

Desperate Exhaustion

2011-04-02T13:11:00.003-05:00

The sun has finally emerged and the birds are coming out and snow is melting. You can even smell the pine and dirt now! Perfect timing for putting a foundation on my house in a few weeks, after all the paperwork is finished. But there seems to be no rest and relaxation for me lately. We are understaffed at work, and I'm buying a house and if having a teenager at home wasn't enough, now I have a dog that can be just as bad. Trying to have quiet time is either interrupted by my niece, having to go to work, or my adorable little dog Henry biting my bible, my arm, anything he can get his mouth on. And if I put him out of my bedroom Emily loves to put him back in when he annoys her (the trouble with living in a small cabin). I just can't win!

But we'll be leaving shortly to meet Emily's paternal Grandmother so she can spend the week there for her Spring Break and I am looking forward to some personal R & R while she is gone. Now, I love my job, I love Emily and I love my dog, but I really just need some time to rest and spend with God. Free from distractions, to rest in my God of Peace.
As Psalm 105:4 says:

"Seek the LORD and his strength; Seek his presence continually!"

This is what I intend to do with all this time to myself (and Henry) this week, if not as a goal for the rest of my Life! Communion with God is the secret to having strength and joy and peace in every situation. This I know, this I will be pursuing with new passion this week that I may dwell in the Glorious House of the Lord my God all the days of my Life.

Ups and Downs

2011-03-05T18:29:00.002-06:00

Well....it has been quite a while since I have written anything on here. Life has been insanely going up and down lately. I've been trying to buy a house with many obstacles, trying to see if I can get around them...if it is God's will that we get it. And then I lost my beloved dog, River Tam in a car accident a few weeks ago. An accident which I had the misfortune to witness on the highway. That was one of the hardest days of my life and I confess I have known some difficulties. And just yesterday I decided I had had enough of a dogless life and went and adopted a 2 and one half year old Terrier mix at 22lbs, who quickly found his way into my heart.
The name they had for him was "Scampy" but that just would not do. So Emily and I struggled greatly naming him last night, as he didn't seem to like anything we tried. We were rooting for Knightly but he chose Henry. It seems strange to name a dog Henry somehow, but it really is the perfect name for him. So Monday I shall make it official with my trip to City Hall to get him licensed. And yes, I have to go to City Hall to get my dog licensed, if you can believe it. And the poor boy was neutered just before I adopted him and has to wear one of those plastic cones around his neck so he doesn't lick or chew on his sutures, so I don't even know what he looks like without it and he looks so terribly sad trying to walk and sniff and eat with that silly thing getting in the way. Not to mention the fact that he is in great need of grooming and I can't get him groomed until the sutures come out. But it is well worth it.
For all the down times we've been having lately, the emotional hardships of living with a teenager and just having two females in the same household as close as Emily and I are forced to be in this small community, and all the other drama surrounding us, having Henry just for the past 24 hours or so has been such a tremendous blessing. A beacon of peace amidst all the turmoil. What's more, he's already house-trained! I really did not want to go through that process again...
Other than this bit of joy, I am happy to report that my job has been a great success. A success meaning I LOVE my job and am gaining more and more responsibility in it and a success in that the people I work with and for are such a pleasure and a joy in my life. So, in my exhausted and almost discouraged state, I can say how truly blessed I am not only by the people at work, but at church as well and in the gorgeous place I find myself living! I amazes me that there are such joys to be had in such hard times. But God has given them to me and I shall treasure them. Yes, I shall treasure them very close to my heart.

God's "Great Things" are NOT easy

2010-11-04T13:07:00.002-05:00

It seems like such a Christianese cliché to say "God has great things in store for you" as so many have often told me. Something too cheesy even to print on a hallmark card. However, what you cannot understand apart from Christ is that these "great things" are really such awful difficulties! Five years ago I never would have guessed that this meant I would become my niece's caregiver at the most trying age of her life and have to move back to California and start all over again with nothing but more debt and God's specific word that this is what He wants us to do. That we would practically be homeless, having our very lives literally depend on God's faithfulness. That I would miraculously have the money I need each month to take care of my bills and keep food in the kitchen and still Trust God even though I don't know where we will be moving next week when we have to be out of the place we are in now. I do not think I could again answer the question, "where do you see yourself in five years?" for my imagination certainly did not think this one up! Single parenting a child that is not my own, struggling to take care of my little family against many odds, and still able to enjoy Life simply because I know my God! This is truly Great (and I'm not being sarcastic).

It is ironic that when I moved to TN for college and people heard I was from California they looked at me as if I were crazy for ever leaving California, and now I have moved back into her glorious Sierra Mountains and people look at me as if I'm crazy for leaving Memphis. Though some days I question myself as I to why I'm in a small mountain community where just about everything closes early and I have to drive 30 min to an hour to get gas or groceries for reasonable prices. But then, places are nothing without the people who are there and God told me which church to be a part of before we even left Memphis. So I find that whenever I am discouraged, this body of Christ, on Sundays or at Bible Study during the week, keep telling me how breathtakingly Holy God is. And when I see the morning mist when I take Emily to school or the golden colors of fall standing out among the pine trees, or little families of deer like I saw coming home from work last night, there is my God telling me that He is with me. When Emily is driving me crazy with her pre-teen self and my faults are again laid bare before me, I find my Savior whose Grace is sufficient for me and whose Love is real. There is nowhere else in the world that would fill all our needs like He is here, I am sure of this.

Do not be mistaken though, that my faith makes it all easy for me. I struggle every day trying to figure out how we are going live. I love my job but it doesn't pay the bills and it is my duty to do what I must to provide for my family. Emily is constantly getting sick and until this week we didn't have much of a way to do anything about it. The point of this is in the Glory of God, for it still shines even in the midst of all this worldly stress like a lighthouse declaring land when you are lost at sea in the middle of a storm. The secret to enjoying life is seeing God's Glory in everything, for it does not even compare with any of the hardships in this life. But to see, you have to keep your eyes open and to do that you have to look at God sometimes when you don't feel like it.

Overwhelming Glory

2010-10-13T12:42:00.001-05:00

There seems to be storms and struggles in my life most of the time, threatening to bring me down. And lately, I have been overwhelmed with everything as though it were about to all crash down on top of me. Then, someone says or does something that shows me God, right there in front of me in His glory. The glory of His providence when someone helps us financially when I am on the verge of not being able to feed my family. The glory of His grace when Emily hears God's voice and tells me about His excellencies in her life. The glory of His LOVE when He speaks gently to me with that still, small voice as I lay in bed at night wanting to despair. So, even though I went into debt to obey God's voice to come back to California, cannot afford to fix the problems my car is having, do not yet have a place to live come the end of this month, and sliced my hand over a week ago and haven't been able to work enough to pay my bills and debts, God is with me. He does not leave me. How do I know this? Because He really does give me my daily bread. Because when I am in despair He sends someone to give me Hope and again I know that I am, without doubt, exactly where He wants me. Where He wants us.

Then yesterday, I found out that my close friend, whom I have not only known my whole life but who was just like my brother, had passed away that morning. Matthew Maury Cowgill, who, when we were little kids told me he had to grow up and be a Pastor or something because of his name. Who had chicken pox at the same time as me so we could be "miserable" together, playing games and watching movies. My brother Matty who struggled so much in his life constantly, spending years trying to find answers in things other than Christ. Who this past year or so had set about turning around, was baptized and overjoyed me with his calls and messages of joy, yet still battling. It really is as if I have lost my blood brother. Because of this brother, I learned that deeper level of love and grace that is only purely in the body of Christ, for through all of my quick and hurtful words and mistakes through the years he still loved me as Christ loves me. I'm so glad that God brought me back to California so that I saw him after years of being away and so that I could be here now, for this unexpected loss. I know that Matty is precious to the LORD, and I am confident that right now he is finally not struggling anymore, he is with his Father in glory.

So again, when I am tempted to despair as my world spirals around me, there is God's glory. A great Light in the darkness.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:18

Recent God-happenings in our new California mountain life

2010-10-03T14:02:00.003-05:00

Yesterday began my first day in housekeeping at the Chalet View Lodge, Praise GOD! I have a job! What was said to have been a "training day" from 9-11:30 turned into a glorious full day of work from 8-4! Complete with a dead frog decaying under a cup a guest had trapped it under in the shower (a perfect welcoming gift: I had to clean it up). But let me back up a little and catch you up on what's been happening.

Rachel and I had discovered the Chalet View Lodge almost immediately upon arriving here, due to their Starbucks and, more importantly, wireless internet. I have been getting to know the owner's quite well and I jumped at the opportunity when they called yesterday to see if I was interested in a housekeeping position to get my foot in the door. It has been a rather long process getting this job, but quite beneficial. First I didn't get the front desk job, because my whole family was going on a vacation to Disneyland (a magical trip by the way!)and they needed someone to start right away. So when I got back they had hired a consultant to transition into a new phase and I was asked to attend a "Mixer" there to meet her (obviously a success). PLUS, another God-thing that happened at the mixer was that I met two Christian women there. The first is the ONLY licensed counselor in the area. If you don't know me quite so well, this is an interesting fact because I was going to get my Masters in Counseling, though it hasn't worked out yet, and there is only ONE here....hmmm... But the second was a woman named Kelli (and for the record I have met three women other than myself so far named Kelly with various ways of spelling it). This Kelli teaches music lessons with her brother locally and through having coffee with her earlier this week I discovered a local ministry in Portola, CA (this is a town East of here...about 15 min). It is a coffee shop run by a young couple who host worship every Saturday night, youth group on Mondays and a young men's bible study on Thursdays. Kelli betrayed my past work with youth to Dave (he's in charge) and we got to talking about it all. So, though I am committed to Graeagle Community Church, I may do some work with this ministry, Cornerstone, in my future.

O! But, perhaps you know nothing of my amazing Church Family here! I got a call from Mike Preston (he's my pastor) just TWO days after attending church there for the 1st time (...well first time since 2005 when I visited before) and he hadn't even been at church that Sunday as he was at a men's retreat. So I met with him that very morning and ended up grilling him, I mean discussing their theology and ministry and God and all of that fun stuff, for about 2 hours. He passed with flying colors! And since then he has done all he can to help me find a job and is currently still helping me find a place for Emily and I to live on a more permanent basis (since my Aunt and Uncle want the place closed up for the winter). There are lots of wonderful, cute old people in the church that make me smile, and some younger ones too (enough for Emily to go to youth group even). People my age are scarce in these parts...well, as Mike put it, there aren't many people my age who are believers around here. That makes me sad, but maybe God can use me to change that...He only knows!

I must confess that I have been discouraged many times since moving here, with the stress of starting from scratch with practically nothing AND a pre-teen, but God has given me lots of little things and orchestrated all that I have said to let me know that He is with me. Emily on the other hand, is having a very hard time with it all. She has met one friend with whom she has lots in common but this has not proven enough yet. This past year of moving over and over and Over again is a lot for a young girl to handle and this last move is especially hard (she's stuck with me most of the time....even for school). We are settling into "a whole new world" as I've been calling it (compliments of Emily's favorite Disney movie, Aladdin), and I am PRAYING (no, really just begging God) that Emily finds hope and peace and joy from God here. I know He sent us here specifically and with reason (and more reason than just the practical ones I can list off like Emily needing health insurance and the simple fact that God told me to...repeatedly).

Personally, I love it here. The scenery is breathtaking, the smells are heavenly, the adventures endless and the people so delightful. I intend to make the most of every opportunity and keep asking God to give Emily joy and that stability that only He can give.

Joyfully yours,

Kelly

Pioneering

2010-08-24T17:28:00.000-05:00

My friend Rachel and I had already trekked off course a little to climb some large boulders and do a little rock climbing when we found the path again and the sign for Hawley Falls. We headed onto the detour and discovered that at the end of the path it was pretty, but nothing compared to the magical spot only reached by hopping rocks through the water. It was breathtaking when I climbed the last rock (after discarding my shoes at a lower point) and beheld this view. It was something out of a fairy tale. My imagination come to reality...until the ice cold water shocked us out of our dreamy state. It made me wonder how anyone could stand to bathe in such cold water back in the early days of California settlement, but then again you do go numb very quickly.

I am amazed at the beauty we witnessed on our approximate 12 mile hike on Saturday. We climbed the first mountain with a little rock climbing and faced fierce winds that reminded me just of the power of God. Then traversing forest and valley and enjoying such sites and smells that I have only dreamt of since I left CA, we made it with blisters and bruises to the top of Mt Elwell at an elevation of 7,818 ft. And were almost attacked by chipmunks... only they proved to be quite friendly and curious. One even got close enough I could have reached out a touched it if I could move faster without frightening the sweet little thing. We were a little disappointed at not seeing any bears or deer on our hike but I suppose that is all for the best.

So between these kinds of adventures and using a washboard in the bathtub to wash our clothes (as we have a dryer but no washer) our life here has so far been quite a lesson in how the early pioneers did it. I love how this country is so rich in history. You can hike to find the ruins of old mining towns and I hear (though I've never been able to find it) there is even a "ghost town" hidden in the mountain somewhere. But even though my muscles are once again growing strong with all this more challenging work of living here, pioneering also has its challenges. Like trying to settle into a community of new people and find a job and settle down into a more permanent living situation.

I am learning the meaning of the words Prudence, Diligence and Wisdom as it talks about in Proverbs.

My Abramic Journey

2010-08-19T23:13:00.000-05:00

It all started with God telling me to move back to California. Like when He told Abram in Genesis to go without a word on where or what to do when he got there. There were lots of doubts and prayers for many months on the subject, especially with my niece, Emily, to consider. The weight of guardianship was heavy upon my heart as I prayed and tried to decipher God's best for us. But it was never an option in my mind not to go. At last I found a place to live at a cabin my Aunt and Uncle own in one of my favorite CA places! The Northern Sierra Mountains! Yes that's right, this was to be my new home.
After my best friend, Katie's, most beautiful wedding in the Santa Cruz mountains this past Saturday (my second favorite CA place) I was delighted to take a new addition up North with me: Rachel Massingill (one of the other bridesmaids and a true kindred spirit). But upon our arrival in an exchange of phone calls with my Uncle, I discovered the news that I am expected to be out of the cabin by Thanksgiving (or around then) and my old friend Anxiety settled in for a visit. It has now, however, been a few days and God has brought Peace to dwell in its stead (thankfully).
So the job search is ON! And I am putting my faith completely in the Faithfulness of my loving God. A few employment options arose as I read the classifieds in the local paper last night, so we shall see where they lead. I can hardly believe I am planning long-term. I don't ever really plan long-term. But I am confident that this is what God wants and in Him I will be blessed and stand secure. This is know to be true. To this I cling, for myself and my niece and even my little fur kids.

Arriving West

2010-08-11T12:58:00.007-05:00

My apologies for not writing sooner of our safe arrival out West, internet access has been scarce.
It was certainly an adventure complete with a family reunion in Missouri with my long lost Aunt and cousins, a great visit with some Visible School friends in CO, boring scnerey and the smelly Great Salt Lakes of Utah. Though we did almost run out of gas once going across said Salt Lakes, my fervent prayers, along with everyone else who was praying for us, were answered when we found our way to a gas station just in time.
My fur kids both survived and Emliy and I rejoiced at exiting the car on the 3rd day when we reached my sister's place in NV after 15 hours in the car and I was not at all obliged to turn down the offer to stay another day there. Then Emily decided to spend a couple weeks with her mom and family and I dropped Merlin off to stay there (much to my relief as he was a rather noisy and stressful driving companion) to settle until I can find a place of my own for him to join us again. River Tam loved our new home in the California mountains for all of one night until we headed down the mountain to my parents so I would be a little closer to finally be of some help to Katie in her wedding planning and celebrating. However, it was on this drive down the mountain that the car trouble started and after putting along at 10 miles an hour on a winding mountain interstate I arrived in Nevada City, CA and found someone to suggest how I might help Vada shift gears and I miraculously made it to my parents and called my Godfather to come to my rescue the next day! So Vada seems to be back in good health for now, but it is clear that she does not like the high elevation of those mountains and there winding roads...

But since arriving in CA I have not had much time to breathe. Driving from Woodland to Vallejo and Fairfield and Berkley and Walnut Creek and back to Woodland and all over the place! (You should look those up on a map to fully understand the fact that I am driving an average of one to two hours almost daily). But it is so wonderful seeing old friends and catching up with people I haven't seen in years. Especially Katie who I have spent more time with in the last week and a half than I have in the last 6 years! The wedding is this Saturday and I just can't wait! There is something so special about spending your childhood dreaming of this day with your best friend and then watching it actually happen for her! She was always the one of us two who was making plans for her wedding when we were little. I was too busy getting lost on imaginary islands I think and coming up with schemes of all sorts.

Anyway, we arrived out West and I am eagerly anticipating the day of rest I will have when I am finally moved into the mountains and find a job and get all settled in. But am enjoying every moment until then as well.

Still praying hard for that job that will pay all my bills and that vehicle with four wheel drive that will sustain us safely through the winter months....

- Kelly Ann

Wherever I go

2010-07-22T10:11:00.007-05:00

As the time is drawing near for my final farewell to Memphis, I am realizing how many awesome God-things have happened here. Besides Visible School and graduating college and working as a youth director and worship leader, with God doing all sorts of awesome things in me and through me. This past Christmas (2009), specifically, someone gave me a little notebook with a verse written on it. It was a significant Word in my life then (look left), but I had no idea of the weight it would carry as a theme for this year.

Just recap with me: I took on three jobs, quit one, my contract ended at another in March, took my 13-year-old niece from California here to live with me in April, started homeschooling her through the summer, lost my last job and had to move. My new friend April Green took us in (fur kids, jobless, and all) and has continued to bless us tremendously while her husband has been away in boot camp and training in the Air Force. But God had told me to go back to California, so I turned down job offers that would keep me here and planned. But everything to make it happen sooner than the "end of July" time table I had set when God first told me to go, failed, leaving room for God to move in all of us at the Green residence.

Now the time has come. We are scheduled to leave in a week, Lord willing He give us the money to get there, and things seem to be working out beautifully. I do not doubt that it will work out for us to set off a week from today. Things still need to happen first, yes, but God will make sure they do. This is His will and I know it. But I find that I am still tempted to be frightened. I'm leaving everything, with a little family to think about, to walk into a world of unknowns and uncertainties. Even now, River and Merlin are snuggling on my bed with me as I write this and I am fighting to be able to keep them together with me wherever I go. Maybe you are one of those who doesn't understand how someone could think of animals as family, but you probably haven't met mine. There are no two animals as perfectly suited to me (and even to Emily) as River Tam and Merlin. They seem to make our little family complete. How can I pass them off on others just because I have to go an extra mile to provide a home for them? Can not God work this out too? Through all of this that has happened this year so far, God not only has told me to be strong and courageous, but He has made me so. He promised to be with me wherever I go and has kept His Word.

So whatever happens, wherever I go, I will cling to this Word that has held me constant all year.

Begging for PRAYER

2010-07-17T11:57:00.016-05:00

We almost have everything in order for our big move back to California at the end of this month. However, the obstacles I'm facing are driving me to much prayer and I ask my readers to join me in praying, if you please.

Obstacle #1: Money. Unforeseen expenses keep coming my way every time I have enough to make it. So now we don't have enough.

Obstacle #2: The logistics of traveling with two pets is complicated. Please pray that this works out well for us.

Obstacle #3: My car. Vada, I'm afraid will be quite insufficient when we move to snowy country in Northern California. I need prayer for a vehicle with four wheel drive. It would great to have four wheel drive and a little more space to get to CA, but God gave me a brain and I can figure it out with Vada. The trouble is that my car is not in my name and has quite a bit left on the loan that I am paying. This makes the switch more complicated. We need prayer for a miracle here! Before the snow falls.

God, I know, is bigger than these obstacles, and perhaps they are not such a big deal after all. But I need people to pray with me on this one. Prayer is powerful and these are our needs. I know it is God's will that we move to California and everything else is working out for our move so far. Whatever happens, I know God will work it out beautifully, but please PRAY for us.

Joyfully yours, Kelly Ann

Holding the Fort

2010-06-15T13:22:00.007-05:00

There has been lots of snuggling with our household "fur kids," as our roommate April and I call them, since she left for a month full of road trips. It has been quite interesting managing a household of five pets and one teenager. Especially considering the fact that I remain in Memphis jobless. Single parenthood is definitely not ideal, but somehow the Lord is providing all that we need when we need it. The when is most challenging for my human self to be content with God's divine timing. Although some odd jobs have presented themselves here and there which help tremendously, my heart remains troubled while I wait for the Lord to provide a way for us to obey the call I am still sure that He gave us to go back to California. Perhaps the way will magically appear before us after we are done house/pet sitting this month. Perhaps it will be longer. I really have no clue what the Lord is doing, so I must content myself (with great effort) to watch and wait and pray while my heart longs more each day for California.
I am confident that everything will happen suddenly one day and there will be nothing I can do to stop it, as this seems to be the pattern lately. But whatever the methods I know God will provide. The trouble is in waiting with diligence and efficiency. It is most difficult to organize a life that has no certainties. Troubling to try and find some fixed answer to everyone's questions of what I am planning. I am planning on obeying the Lord, the way has just not been made plain yet. So with much reading, and movies and fur kids and driving Emily to and from friends' houses, and household chores, etc I wait. I watch for a door to swing open. And I pray for everything. For Emily and my relationship with her. I pray for a job to open up in California. For God to direct us exactly where He wants us there and provide a way for me to be able to support us in every way I am able. I pray for a clear path that God will just push us right through and carry us on his wings. For wisdom and contentment and for Faith. Oh how I do pray!

From all of us to you.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Termination and a New Life.

2010-05-26T11:42:00.005-05:00

It has now been 10 days since I lost my last job as a youth director and worship leader of a church. A week ago this past Sunday they pulled me aside during youth group to tell me I was "terminated." Effective immediately. But do not be mistaken that this decision was come to by some heinous crime I committed in the church, it is simply the direction they decided to go in. For that was the explanation I received. There were lots of tears all around that night. Yet I refuse to hold it against a church full of so many people I have grown to admire. Not because I am so wonderful, but because God's hand has been working everything out so beautifully since then. Also, it is that I find bitterness a most illogical emotion to cling to. But you see, God meant it when He said that He "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." I would really rather not say anything on this matter, but there are so many questions that arise when one is terminated by a church and I would rather the truth be heard from me than by rumor. So there you have it. I will not pretend that I am perfectly alright with what happened, for it is quite difficult to leave my students. But difficult or not God does not give me anything He does not equip me to handle.
This said, however, I have further news to report. After much prayerful consideration and planning, and unless God changes this at the last moment, Emily and I are moving back to California. The details are not yet fixed, but God is opening things up for us daily to make this move feasible. So if you are reading this and are in CA, you may expect us rather soon to begin our road trip across country. I will be sure to update you when the date is fixed and I'm sure there will be many stories to tell in traveling with a teenager and a puppy. (Merlin...since Esme ran away some months ago...will be shipped home on a later date).
There is a time for everything, so it's off with the old and on with the New! I just hope that my faith is justified by God's perfect will as it always has been.

Adventures in Homeschooling begun

2010-04-20T23:08:00.011-05:00

Lesson #1: You must be willing to learn, always.
This lesson not only applies to my 13 year old homeschooler, but it was also the lesson to me today as the battle began.
But my reader has much to catch up on, and so I must explain. Circumstances have rendered me guardian of my beautiful niece Emily. She flew home with me a week ago today, in fact. While this has proved to be the most challenging and humble situation I have yet found myself in, I must confess it to be quite a fun adventure. There are bumps to be sure, and battles fought in my household but God always seems to come out on top (as it well should be).
Yesterday began school and I am homeschooling Emily. And since yesterday was a Tuesday and Tuesdays are free for TN resident's at the zoo from 2 PM until closing, thence we went for a school trip with my dear friend Angela. It was my favorite trip to the Memphis Zoo thus far! I made Emmi to take my camera so that she could shoot photographs, for she is to do a project on any animal she choose. Her choice: the wolf. We had a blast! A grizzly bear decided it liked to play with us, the wolves we discovered did not act so very different from dogs and sea lions are way cooler than seals.
This, I think will be my favorite part of homeschooling. That is, using my creativity to actually teach her some things instead of just making her absorb and regurgitate information.
Though for someone who loves to read and write as much as I, one of the most challenging obstacles I have encountered in today's youth (both in my youth groups and now my own niece) is a vast lack of interest in proper grammar and spelling. They just don't care. This I do not understand. To be able to read and write correctly to me is a such a mark of character and intellect as nothing else can match, and they dare tell me they do not care. They would rather write in today's shorthand slang. Oh text messaging and chatting what have you done to the English language?! But here I am on a tangent when you wish to know how things are going in my new world...

My 23rd year has gone by so quickly with so many changes I scarce know how to describe my feelings. And my feelings, of late, have become the great interest of many. But all I can answer to this is that I am stuck in awe of God. It is as if the Holy Spirit has lifted me up and is carrying me through everything so that I feel as though I am doing nothing at all. What seems like it should be terribly vexing and difficult has proven to be more humbling and wonderful than anything. This season is one of prayer and obedience in my life. It amazes me how God truly keeps his promise to equip us for what He has for us to do. But He has done more than equip me, He has blessed me to fight this battle, guaranteeing that victory has already been won.

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as previous to myself, if only I may finish my course and ministry that I have received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

-Acts 20:24

i quit.

2010-02-23T08:00:00.004-06:00

While I was trying to go to sleep last night, I realized something. And when I woke up this morning I quit my full-time job at Unified Health Services. For the past two months I have been going insane from not having a Sabbath, burning out on a regular basis and just trying to keep my head above water whilst juggling three jobs. And as I lay down last night feeling the pressure go over my head again, I realized that this was not the Lord's will, it was mine. I was afraid of not being able to pay my bills, caught up in many things of the world, and my ministries were dying because of it. My Spirit was suffocating because of it. I realized that I was living the American nightmare for no good reason. So I quit.

My pride may be injured, but my Spirit is relieved.

As you wish.

2010-02-21T16:14:00.007-06:00

It is wonderful when God clearly says "Go" that I may go and do exactly what I know he wants me to do. That, however is not how it works all the time. Now, for instance, I am facing endless possibilities, not knowing what to plan on. Some may consider this an exciting time, but for my planner self who prefers to hear a command of the Lord and respond with an "as you wish," it is agonizing.

I am practical and passionate. Always planning my a, b, c, d and e plans. A backup plan for every backup plan, I like to dream it all up, so that I am prepared. Yet, I am discovering that this is much like chasing after the wind. An endless, fruitless, fortune telling game. I am squandering my time away worrying. How quickly do I forget that each day I have here is a gift? How easy to forget that I will not know everything?

"Man plans his own way, but the Lord establishes his steps..."

"Listen and wait," says the Lord, "Listen and wait."

Not, stop everything you are doing until He gives you a clear vision. Not just waiting for the next thing I want to happen. Listen to His voice for today's plans, not just tomorrow's plans. Listen for today's joys, today's wonder. The work God is doing today in His kingdom. Seek the answer for today's next thing.

The Lord will establish my steps in the right places as I walk closely in communion with Him. That is the answer I have right now, to sit and listen to God show me who He is and trust him completely to lead me in exactly the right place as we walk through this thick fog. I suppose that is exactly it: To follow His lead and not my own.

PRAYER POST

2010-01-28T11:50:00.002-06:00

The not-so-merry Miller Christmas has turned into a not-so-happy New Year. The good news is that my mom's surgery went well and the tumors are benign. The bad news is that she has acid reflux and disgusting sores bursting open in her mouth. Puss and blood are not pleasant things to have in ones mouth and throat.

She needs LOTS of prayer and encouragement. Thank you.

The American Nightmare

2010-01-23T20:35:00.004-06:00

I do not understand how the American dream could be a good thing that people strive for. I work three jobs. One 40 hr a week office job in my cubicle with a phone attached to my head. And two ministry jobs preaching and leading worship and all of the other things that come in ministry. I enjoy hard work, a good challenge. But sitting inside all day at a desk and going home to work on my sermons and do all the wonderful things I have to do for my ministry is not worth it just to pay my bills, keep my car, and not starve. People keep telling me that this is just a part of being an adult. Like working nonstop is the way it's supposed to be. But even God took a day off to rest.

Indeed, amidst this craziness, I am learning the true and glorious meaning of the Sabbath...even though I still have errands to run and house chores to do on my Sabbath day (got to work on that one). I am learning to trust the Lord that He will equip me (especially physically) for the work He has for me to do. I am learning to throw my worries on the cross and to find peace and Joy for my spirit in the arms of my Creator, every day no matter what's going on. I am learning that the American dream is an American nightmare, a chasing after the wind. I am learning to let go of everything to treasure Christ above all.

I cannot count on my own body, I cannot count on money, I cannot count on anyone, not even myself, except Christ who is always faithful and true.
I do not live for God to satisfy me, I live to glorify God. I am a single woman living a life full with the glory of God. That is the only thing that makes all of this worth it.

Not-so-merry Miller Christmas

2009-12-22T23:02:00.004-06:00

My mom has been very sick for a little while now, and it has finally been established that she has a tumor. She went to a surgeon yesterday, but she has to have some more appointments and jump through a few more hoops to figure out if it is malignant or not, and to find out exactly what is wrong and how to fix it.

I talked to my dad last night and he said that she has really bad sores bursting open in her mouth and can hardly eat anything except mashed potatoes and other things that are easy to swallow and easy on her constantly upset stomach. She has lost quite a few pounds, I hear and is having a very hard time with all of this. She is still working full-time at Zales in the Fairfield Mall, God bless her. Please pray for her. Thank you.

Dear Friends and Family,

2009-12-18T23:28:00.017-06:00

2009 has definitely been an adventure.

In February I started working as a the Youth and Children's director at Pleasant Union Cumberland Presbyterian. Around the same time I began my EP ("Extended Play"means it's too long to be called a "demo" and too short to be a real "album"), although that remains unmastered and on hold.

I graduated with my Bachelor's Degree in Ministry from Visible School of Music and Worship Arts in May as a Ministry Praxis major. That basically means I studied the Bible and practical ministry. In August I seemed to have left my nomadic state of living and took a second Youth Pastor/Worship leading job at a church and moved into the parsonage. I shortly thereafter gained two kittens and right before Halloween an adorable border collie mix. So the four of us live in the three bedroom parsonage [pictured below].

I have been getting accustomed to my weekly schedule leading worship 3x a week, preaching two sermons and one Sunday School lesson (the basic parts of being youth minister for two churches). But 2010 has a whole new world of possibility which causes me to ask you all for prayer.

2010. The year of possibilities.

I am applying for college again to get my Master of Arts in Counseling at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I do not know what is going to happen, but whatever it is will glorify God. And prayer for this season of countless possibilities is much appreciated.

This Christmas

In the meantime, I will have a Merry Christmas here in Tennessee. Dancing with my puppy River Tam in front of the Christmas tree while my cats sneak about, and watching Christmas movies with a cup of hot chocolate in hand. The weather is getting cold and glorious (though we do not have any snow) and I am daily sporting my collection of scarves. I love winter fashion!

And I praise God for the Life and Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ who gave up Glory to grow up as a human and give His whole sinless life for us! A man who gave everything that we might know God and love Him. That is definitely a reason to celebrate this holiday.

Now, a Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Little things, big truths

2009-12-09T21:31:00.002-06:00

I was five when I got my first pair of glasses and my eyesight has been getting worse ever since. I am now at 20/400 (that means I'm legally blind). Carrots, they don't actually help. That is a lie. I love carrots. But after watching a movie over Thanksgiving break and not being able to read the subtitles without squinting and my lens popping out again I decided it was time for an eye appointment and new glasses. And good news, I have finally grown out of kids glasses! I think college made my head bigger with all the knowledge they put in my brain.

Even though I realized how blind I actually am while taking my eye exam and not being able to read the letters, I am amazed at all the beauties I was missing out on! I can see lines! Tree branches... blades of grass... there are so many details in life that I did not see and I had no idea I was not seeing them until I did!
So I cannot keep from thinking of how the Glory of God is something like that. Until you see God and know something of Him, you never know the wonder and beauty you are ignorant of. We do not know reality until God makes our eyes to see Him and our hearts to know Him. And what is even more amazing is that God is constantly revealing more and more of Himself to us so that we can see clearer and clearer.

Ponder two of my favorites verses:

1 Peter 1:13-15

"Therefore...set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy..."

John 17:3

"And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." - Jesus to God.

What a wonderful gift!

2009-12-06T21:16:00.000-06:00

I am prone to excitement, but this weekend has been such a blessing! Someone gave me a Christmas tree and brought lights for me to put on it too!! They went and cut it down for me! I haven't had a real Christmas tree in many, many years. My favorite part of Christmas, I must say is the smell of a real Christmas tree. So Good!! Praise the Lord o my soul and REJOICE with all that is within me! Rejoice!

::beware splinters when handling::

Reuniting the Coleclan for Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T13:19:00.000-06:00

I was so excited earlier this year when Alleyn decided that both adopted Big Sisters should be there this Thanksgiving with the family! Tammy and I have not been there with the Cole's at the same time in years and that made this week so special.
We (that is myself and Tammy) decided that Stephen was the most changed out of all of them, having known them since Sammy was still in diapers and I could still pick Paige up. Now Stephen towers over us all, a strong and wonderful young servant leader who actually talks to us now! :) Taryn is driving and practically an adult. Paige is looking to be quite the young woman, but still just as wonderfully silly as ever. Sam and Chris are still our little boys but won't be for too much longer.
I had a big sister date with Taryn that set my heart blazing with joy at the women she is becoming! Glorious conversations with Howard, Alleyn and Tammy that will keep me thinking for some time. A shopping trip with all of us girls and the wonderful Tami Howard. Almost lost one of my jackets to a certain young lady...And got to see the boys' new haircuts first hand and I must say they are all looking quite handsome! (See the picture below)

It was great to be a Cole this week. I am so thankful this holiday to know Howard and Alleyn and the godly example that they set in humility and discipline. I am thankful that I got to know them all (the kids and Tammy Koch included) a little better this week. I am thankful to be a part of more than just my own biological family that makes the body of Christ so real and big! I am thankful for sweaters Paige, and food even though I don't eat as much as Stephen. I am thankful I have Tammy as one of my sisters and to hear all that the Lord is doing in her. I will treasure the memories from this week!

"Let me hear what God the Lord will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints...steadfast love and faithfulness meet; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs up from the ground, and righteousness looks down from the sky. Yes, the Lord will give what is good and our land will yield its increase. Righteousness will go before him and make his footsteps a way." Psalm 85:8 &10-13 (from Family time)

A single life of sickness

2009-11-01T18:28:00.000-06:00

Vertigo is terrible, or so I discovered when it invaded my night and my morning. Did you know that my house has turned into a boat? Or at least it feels like it. I sometimes think I belong in a Jane Austen book with my fragile state and strong mind, like Fanny Price of Mansfield Park. Indeed when I read of Paul's plea in 2 Corinthians 12, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," it strikes a special chord of understanding in my heart.
Firstly, because Paul was single like myself. And I will admit to my readers that being alone in this house with three pets to take care of is a very difficult situation to be in when sick. Especially when the room is spinning and you are house training a puppy. But like Paul, I have wonderful church family to call upon when I am in need.
Secondly, and this I suppose would be my main point, Paul pleaded and the Lord "said." I have been recently thinking about how clearly the people in the Bible heard the voice of God. God spoke to them and they listened. Yet today, one of the big complaints among Christians is that they don't hear the voice of God. As if it is supposed to be this big audible voice on a mega phone in your head or something you cannot possibly miss. But I don't think He would have said to "be still and know that I am God" if He was going to speak to us like that all the time. In fact, He did speak to the Israelites like that and they freaked out and begged God not to talk to them, but for Moses to bear the brunt of that glorious voice and tell them later what He said.
Are we afraid to listen like the Israelites were in the desert, or don't know how to listen, or maybe we are just ignorant that we are supposed to listen. The Spirit of God lives inside of us to help us understand what God is saying to us in His Word, but are we listening? God is a living God, the same yesterday today and forever. The same God who spoke to Paul, Moses, Elijah and so many others who delighted to listen to Him.
I have been sick a lot lately, and being alone and still responsible for things and pets is more difficult than when I am healthy. But I wonder I am not like some of the Psalmists who meditate on His word day and night, who call out to Him in their agony for mercy and deliverance, who spend their times of sickness and distress at His feet. Who turn their self pity and distress into praise of who God is despite their weakness or situation.
I have only God as my husband (Isaiah 54:5; Hosea 2:16). The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob who sent His only son to free me from sin and give me life. And that is more than enough. He is worthy of my praise even when it is difficult to take care of myself, especially when it is difficult and I am weak. And His voice is the best one to listen to in times like this. But I am weak, and find that I am imperfect and do not run after God when my mind and my body are weary from sickness and very thankful for the body of Christ that I may be dependent upon them a little.

And then there were three...meet River Tam (River to her friends)

2009-10-26T22:26:00.001-05:00

You may call me a sucker for animals if you like. But this sweet girl was found abandoned with her two sisters and one brother on the side of the road by one of my students, and yesterday I just couldn't help myself. She is very obviously malnourished, and maybe weak, but as sweet as can be.
She loves to snuggle and rest her little head on my shoulder. Yesterday I watched her playing roughly with her siblings, but today she is all snuggles and whining with her tail between her legs...I think she misses them. Merlyn and Esme are not so welcoming either, but it could be a lot worse than it is and I have enough love to go around.
We sat outside for some time this afternoon in the glorious Fall sunshine trying to learn/teach the game of "fetch" to no avail (the above picture is all she does with her toy thus far....Merlyn remains the fetch expert of the household). House training has been only 50% successful. The good news is that there have been no accidents in her crate yet, where she is when I'm not home. But hey, it's only the first day and she is just a baby.
For those of you who know a thing or two about dogs, she is (I am almost certain) border collie/pit bull with dark brindle coloring and white boots...err feet. But did I mention how positively sweet she is?? Animals can be such blessings!

PS: AN UPDATE ON MYSELF ~
I am back to my usual self, though I have not, much to my chagrin, fully regained my "hercules strength" (as some have called it). However, I am very thankful that the constant nausea has left me. I'm thinking it's the perfect time to have a dog to make me go outside, I spent way too much time indoors those 3 weeks of being so ill! And River is not the only one of us that needs to build up her strength.
Anyway, ta ta for now! :)

17 days as an involuntary mute

2009-10-15T01:39:00.000-05:00

Saturday, October 10, 2009 I got my voice back, 17 days after I lost it. The cause: bronchitis/sinusitis. The cure, antibiotics and a decongestant that make me nauseous almost 24/7 and make my stomach hurt when I eat. Do I still make myself eat? Yes. Thankfully I have just 3 more days of medicine left to take and I think it is getting better. I can't sleep very well at night, as I have to take my medicine right before the time I should be going to bed and I am supposed to eat when I take it...but I must say that even all of this is better than not being able to talk for seventeen days.
If I had to lose one of my senses, the ability to talk and sing is not even on my list. Yet, those 17 days were not a waste. Even being unable to go outside, for lack of strength and balance, and being cut off from the world does not cut one off from the mighty God.
Armed with my vivid imagination, a whole bookcase of books, and my Bible, when I was not delirious, God reminded me about Himself. The reality of all the things He has done throughout history, and even in my own life. That living, breathing work of a real and loving God, unlike any other. This is nothing new, if you have heard anything about him, but that is the point. There is nothing new under the sun, it is rock solid, soul inspiring Truth. That thing that holds me together when my brain and my body are inept. He is.
Praise be to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, my God, and to Jesus Christ His beloved Son, our Lord.

Just Three and Twenty

2009-09-21T10:22:00.002-05:00

When I was younger my friends would always ask me on my birthday if I felt any older. I have always said no, but this year when I woke up on September 18 I really did feel older. Last year I was a college student and still a resident of California. This year I am a youth pastor at two churches, leading worship three times a week, with a three bedroom house all to myself in the country in Tennessee with a TN driver's license. It is surreal.

But those facts have had me feeling blessed beyond my imagination since it all started in August. No, on Friday morning I woke up a full-fledged adult. It's as if Peter Pan grew up and it's not what he thought. Or it's that I had my last trip to Narnia. Or like a strange feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night to say, like Miss Clavel in Madeline, "Something is not right." But that light went on at 6:28 in the morning to say that everything is right as rain, better than ever. Just an inexplicably mysterious feeling. Sleeping Beauty woke up and it was no Prince's kiss that did it...it was adulthood. And Cinderella is now cleaning her own house, living independently. She is busy busy busy enjoying life and her work more than she ever thought would be possible. I am utterly amazed at what the Lord has done. To make a living off of the things I love most in the world and to have all these wonderful growing children to love on and pray for! I could not have asked for more if I had known what to ask for!!

Indeed, my parents came for the weekend and it was wonderful! I introduced my mom to Nertz (which is much like Dutch Blitz if you've heard of that) and she is addicted, along with a few of my students. We all had a blast the entire weekend! Thank you Mom and Dad, love you and miss you! I had the most wonderful birthday!

Another year older, Kelly Ann Miller

Introducing Merlin and Esme

2009-09-12T13:35:00.000-05:00

Meet Merlin (left) and Esme (right)

Now of course we must get this out of the way, for what lover of animals have you ever met that did not talk about their pets? Indeed, especially for those whom I love which are thousands of miles away, you must meet everyone in my household. And since that only consists of myself and my two young black cats, here we must begin. Now I know what some may be thinking, black cats? That's unlucky. But I must declare that my black crazies are a most delightful blessing!
Esme, clad in green collar (for green is the color of love whatever people say and Esme does in fact mean to love) and Merlin in his royal blue collar (since his name has something to do with the sea and blue is such a magical color) are at this moment on the couch next to me while I wear my Kelly-green colored t-shirt typing these very words. These details were quite coincidental, but so worthy of putting down. I just grabbed my t-shirt quickly this morning when my doorbell rang and I was still wearing my night-shirt. But anyway, please allow me to properly introduce them.

Esme (pronounced Ez-may) is the adventurous one. When I first brought her home from the shelter she wanted to go everywhere and after a few days wanted to be a part of everything I did around the house. One of her favorite things to do, of which we are working on, is to play on my laptop at the same time I am using it. It is especially fun when the cursor moves about the screen. And when I brush my teeth she sometimes enjoys getting in my way on the counter and investigating the water. She loves to be petted and paid attention to in her own time. Otherwise she is usually wrestling with Merlin (of her own initiation most of the time) or sitting in a windowsill looking at the outdoors which she is too frightened to enter, so far. Or sleeping somewhere, as they are both doing at my side right now. Esme is loathe to be trapped in any sort of way, and is very adamant about not being too forced with her head, which we found out when she was very sick and in need of eye drops (which we could not give her for the clawing, wiggling, and awful noises she made). But her golden eyes are much better now and she meets gentleness with her own sweet temper. One of her best stories was when my friend came over, after having been here often during their first days here when she was out of school for a few weeks. As my friend was leaving and we were talking at the door Esme came and laid herself right on Angela's foot. They had a moment.

As for Merlin, he hid under my winter coats in the closet for 3 days. Only coming out when I was not around, to use the litter box and to eat. His name was Jiji that first week, after an anime cat in one of my favorite movies, but he despised me until my friend and I changed his name. "Merlin" was her choice (after the show were just getting addicted to) and that was the only name he liked. After that day he began to like me as well. And now we have grown to the point where he sometimes snuggles with me at night. He often prefers laying down to be petted than anything else and he does not freak out at all (unlike Esme) when we he goes to the veterinarian. He practices good manners with his claws, except when he is "kneading" as they call it. I really do need to clip his nails...But Merlin was the first to play with the balls they got from the shelter, so intensely that he flew in the air with it on several occasions. This is his favorite game to play. But if you came over, he would be the first to run away from you. He is still a bit skiddish.
So, you see my black cats are absolutely delightful and my home just would not be home without the Lord having blessed me with my little cuddly kitties. I just know that there was a divine hand in choosing them for me, or me for them (however you wish to think of it) because they are just so perfect for me. Favor of God! as a dear friend of mine would say.